ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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