I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
