Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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