New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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