ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
