How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
