and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
