Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
