upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Found your dick twin last night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize