Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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