Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Drunk is not a location!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And then he peed in my hair
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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