and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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