if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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