you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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