I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
