please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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