So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
