Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
