Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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