why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
