I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
