My liver just broke up with me...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Someone shattered a urinal.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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