My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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