just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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