I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
