I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
