I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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