I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
