Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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