Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
