So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
