my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
