we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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