there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
