So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize