The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
