The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
two words: eviction party
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
