There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize