Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize