Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How's work?
Spinning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
