He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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