My liver just broke up with me...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
