My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
