I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
