it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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