why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
