If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
