mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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