If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
