All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she told me i tasted like america
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
