come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
