So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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