Michael Bay diarrhea
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize