just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
