I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
