So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
