this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
