College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
