From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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