Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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